August 2007 Cross Creek Newsletter:
We are coming up to that time again that so many have been working towards and have been looking forward to for some time, Parent-Child 3. Those who are preparing to return home or have a child to return home are often both excited and nervous. This is the time when we are about to see if all the time, money, and work put in, will have the results that we are looking for of having the healthy family and individual relationships that we want. Getting ready for the transition of having a child in the program to having a child back home is what I want to address.
Prior to Parent-Child 3 (or PC3), there has been a significant amount of time spent with the students and their families in developing a life contract that will be functional. This life contract is designed to provide the structure necessary to help the student and the family readjust to having the child back living in the home, and maintaining the positive changes that have taken place. In the life contract we are assisting the family in incorporating their own stated family values into a set of rules, consequences, opportunities, and structure for the home. In having and living by this set of clear and well defined boundaries and values, the family will be better able to maintain open lines of communication, confront patterns of triangulation or other manipulations. If manipulations do occur, or a poor choice is made, then there already is a set of natural consequences that have been agreed upon and will be imposed. This implementation of the already agreed upon consequences has the benefit of taking the parents out of the role of being the “bad guys”. This works great for those parents who have a child with a history of getting into power struggles or rebelling against the parents as the child has already agreed to the contract prior to coming home and has played a key role in its development. When a poor choice is made that results in one of the agreed upon consequences, then the family only has to acknowledge the choice made, and refer to the life contract. The contract also helps in addressing some of the problems that may have existed within the family dynamics prior to the program such as inconsistent parenting, follow through, power struggles, or triangulation patterns.
In my experience, I cannot stress enough the importance of incorporating the life contract into life at home upon graduation. The life contract is absolutely critical to the continued success of the child and family. If you do find, upon living by the life contract, that you wish to make a change, sit down as a family, consult the program or other support groups to discuss the change. Do not just give up on the contract. I have too often heard of stories or even received a call from a child or parent who is in crisis due to directly not following the life contract. Parents do not give into the temptation to give your child too much too soon, or allow your child too much freedom too quickly. Tomas Pain wrote, “That which we achieve too easily we esteem to lightly”. It is a natural tendency to want to completely trust your child once they graduate, and believe that they are now able to take on the world. This is a mistake in my opinion. Although your child and your family have no doubt experienced tremendous growth, you are still fragile and need time and support to be able to take on all the challenges of home, old friends, being lonely, staying sober etc. There may be times when living by the life contract is inconvenient or requires extra effort, but compared to the effort or inconvenience of dealing with a relapse into substances, or issues that you were dealing with prior to the program, it is a small price to pay. I would encourage you to be mindful of the messages that you send your children after they have graduated. Make sure that it is clear that the time spent in the program was not just an event, but also a commitment to a way of life. In being committed to living the contract, the family will have a much greater chance of making the changes lasting. That is what we have been working and hoping for since the time of enrollment, lasting changes for the better.
Posted on February 12th, 2008 by admin
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